one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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