I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
