I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
