yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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