My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
