Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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