I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
