That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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