Nicole vs. Life
this boner is exhausting
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
