My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
