Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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