Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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