You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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