I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
