i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My hand turned me down
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
