All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
