He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
ttyl tear gas
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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