He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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