I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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