You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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