I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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