Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
