Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize