If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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