god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize