...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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