My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
