Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
