fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
