i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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