Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize