Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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