When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
