Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
