her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
