remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
