Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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