there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just pee around me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
