I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
