Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
