she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
