I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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