She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize