I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
