Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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