can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
