I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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