Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
