i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
