Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
