he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
