So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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