I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
