Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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