she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
