Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
