i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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