Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
