trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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