i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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