Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
