Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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