I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
