the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
