The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
